Collision

What do you do when your two greatest desires and passions in life collide and you have to make a choice to go one way or another? What do you do when all the good intentions you thought you had are tested through fire only to reveal the darkness of selfish ambition.  You've said "I'll go and do anything...I surrender all." That's easy to say when there's nothing to surrender, but now there is, and I'm shocked with how quickly my heart can sway.  You begin to question everything.  Why did I really say I would go?  Do I really love the people there or did I just want to go because I'm single and have nothing better to do?  And there it is, the pressure to be completely honest with myself.  You already knew my heart God, but I didn't.  And now here it is, exposed, right in front of me : weakness, pride, desire to please others, wanting security.  Was nothing done in trust? Was nothing decided because of a genuine heart for Your kingdom?  And now I sit here weeping for what I truly am and for the rash decision I made out of what I thought was love and passion to help others in their time of need.  Were those all just justifications because I didn't have the strength to "Wait upon the Lord" like I kept reading in Your Word, but kept ignoring.  What do I do now?  I can't go backwards.  Is it too late?  How do I make it all right? 

On the other hand maybe I truly am "called" to go and to serve across seas, or am I just called to serve? It all seemed like Your hand was in it with the timing of it all, God.  It did seem like a genuine passion.  I do love You and the lost and there is indeed no greater joy than to serve You.  Is it all just satan throwing lies into my head saying "You're sinful, God can't uses you.  He can't redeem all the mistakes you've made. Every decision you've made is the wrong decision and now your stuck with the choices you've made and you will never be fully satisfied. How can both of your passions walk alongside each other.  That would  be too good to be true and God can't do that.  The only result is collision, not harmony. God only requires serenity and never blesses in return." 

So, which one is it?  What do I do now?

 "The truth will set you free." - Jn 8:32

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.  Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles." - Psalm 103:1-5

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...do not fret, it only leads to evil." - Psalm 37

A weekend to remember

This past weekend was one of those moments in life where you wake up and think to yourself...did that really happen or was it all just a dream.  It was one of those moments that I wish I could relive over and over again. 

I went to a wedding in Iowa where one of my friends from the Dominican Republic was getting married.  All of my close friends that I had grown to love in my life overseas were there.  It was like we had never been apart and we were able to pick up right where we had left off.  We stayed in a picturesque place with rolling hills, a landing strip, and a cottage on the lake with a diving board.  We all spent the weekend helping Katie with the final touches of her wedding, flying around on two-seater airplanes, swimming in the lake under the stars and just enjoying some good, fun fellowship.  I got to meet some really amazing people who I felt instantly connected with and wish I had more time to get to know.

I feel like I can honestly say, this was probably the best weekend of my life.

On a different note, now that I'm back I feel there is so much for me to accomplish in the next two weeks.  One of those things is to spend time resting, something I haven't really done yet this summer. 

I went to a conference in Philly called R.A.C.E with World Team.  It was a conference where I evaluated World Team to see if they would be a sending agency I would feel called to work with and a conference were I was assessed to see if I would be a good fit with them.  We went through a lot of intense team exercises and interviews, and received a lot of personal constructive criticism. I got accepted and signed my name to join the World Team family. 

Originally, I had wanted to go to France for an apprenticeship program where I would be there from October of 2008 to July of 2009.  Now I'm actually considering going as a career missionary on a team that plants churches and disciples new believers in France.  I can't go until I raise 100% of my support, which could take any amount of time. 

God is amazing and His timing is perfect.  It just so happens  that when I found out I wouldn't be leaving for a while, the two candidates for my job declined.  Now, Heritage has invited me to teach there again this year and they are willing to bend over backwards to allow me to reach my goals of going to France by being flexible to the time that I may need off to visit churches, do training, visit my field in France etc...

We'll see what happens though. I'm really trying to get better at not saying "I'm going to do this, or that" because most of the time things don't turn out how I planned.  Most of the time it's better than how I planned....like this past weekend, where I had no idea it would have been as amazing at it was. :)

The Journey

I feel as though I have just returned home from a long journey. It's not one that most would consider to be an adventure.  I didn't travel the world or see any wondrous sites like the journeys I've know before, but it was a journey within my soul. 

For the last two years I've been living in the US with the passion of a missionary.  It's felt dry and mundane.  I thought God was done using me for a while, like this was the waiting period or resting time until He had something bigger for me down the road, like living somewhere across seas or serving those that others wouldn't dare to serve.  I remember going through the hardships of living across seas away from my family.  Even though those two years were some of the toughest times in my life, there was still this incredibly deep sense of fulfillment because I knew I was being used by God to do great things.

This last spring, the longing to feel used by God intensified.  Remembering the feelings I once had on the mission field, propelled me into a weekend-long conference in Elgin, Illinois where I was able to speak with other missionaries and regain the fire I once had to become a missionary myself.  Little did I know that my sister Kellie caught that same fire at her church back here in Kalamazoo.  Kellie and I began to make plans to go to the Dominican, but the Lord changed those plans for her so I began to look into other ways of serving across seas.  For so long I have been feeling like the Lord has not given me a clear answer of where to go or what to do. Should I serve in the Dominican because there are four different ministries begging for people to come? Should I go to France and fulfill another dream of perfecting my French while ministering to the people? Should I stay here at continue working at Heritage?  Where do you want me to go God?  What do you want me to do? These have been the questions I've been asking for almost a year now.   Questions that have not been answered.  Until Today.

In my daily devotion I've been reading about the life of Joseph.  Joseph was given a dream from God that one day his own brothers, who hated him with jealousy, would bow down before Joseph.  After the dream was given to him, he was betrayed by his brothers and was sold into slavery.  Even then he served God fearfully.  At this point, I think I would have been like "Is this really a dream from God, because look where it's taken me." Then, even though he would not even allow himself to be seen by evil, he was falsely accused and thrown into prison for two years.  Still he didn't let go of the dream.  After many more trials and God-ordained circumstances he was placed in the highest position of the palace.  Joseph knew 7 years of plenty were to come followed by 7 years of famine.  He gather during the plenty and became the provider for many nations during the famine.  His brother came to him and what did they do...bowed down to him and asked him for help.  Joseph weeps in this scene because finally, for the first time, he saw what God was doing and how He had orchestrated the events in his life to fulfill the promise that God had once given to Joseph.

I have struggled so much lately with wanting to see what God is doing in my life.  He's given me dreams and revelations that have felt empty and meaningless, causing me to wonder if these dreams are really from Him.   Then I start to question if it was my own voice I was hearing, or the voice of God.

Well, today for the first time since I've been home from the Dominican Republic, the feeling, that I've so badly longed for, came back.  Even though I've been told that God has been using me at Heritage, it finally made it from my head to my heart that He indeed has been and is still using me there.

Mr. Wessing, the administrator, informed me of the changes he has seen in the life of a student who went on the mission trip to the Dominican Republic this last week.  He said she has a new passion to serve Christ and make Him the center of the relationship with her boyfriend and that someday she wants her own kids to experience what she was able to experience on the trip, a closeness with God that she had never felt before.  Then today, my Spanish II class shared with each other their stories (testimonies), that they had written and memorized in Spanish.  Many were in tears after sharing the struggles they had been though. Many realizing that they were not the only ones going though those struggles. I think some found healing, forgiveness, and grace among each other because of their willingness to be vulnerable and open. 

I started crying on the way home when I finally realized that it's not about where I go, or what I do. That same feeling I once had on the mission field is a feeling that I can have here in the US as well; because what I really long for - more than missions in and of itself - is knowing that I am a tool being used by the Great I AM. 

After going through the journey of feeling compelled to go back into overseas missions, researching different sending agencies, getting counsel, and spending countless hours in prayer, it seems strange to think that maybe my journey ends right where I'm at.  I think God has been telling me that it's not about the task or the location.  It's about God drawing me to Himself.  And that's where I find myself now - back in the arms of my Father.

So if you've read this, you may feel like you've just watched Lord of the Rings III with the 5 different happy endings and thinking "ok, be done already." But this is the last little revelation God gave me today:  There are seasons of drought in life where it feels like God is not working or using us, and seasons of plenty were we get to see what He's doing and what his plans are.  And in that moment, there is this huge sense of confidence, joy, purpose, and fulfillment no matter if at home or across seas.

When I've got so much to say is when I can't find time to write but here's a quick synopsis of my life right now...

1. FNL singles is going really well.  We were invited to join Justin Wendzel's group at Gull Meadow Farms for a tractor ride, corn maze, and bonfire.  It was a blast and the food was awesome!! :)

2. I just moved into my new apartment with Bri Davis.  She is an great roomie and I'm so excited to be on my own.  My students helped me bring my piano up the stairs and we had all kinds of furniture donated so it's feeling like an actual home now!!

3. School is CRAZY this year.  I don't have very many planning blocks so it's hard to get everything done.  My Junior class is a challenge so today I pretty revamped how I['m going to teach the class. 

4.  I just had my eyes dilated and I can't see up close.  This is killing my eyes so I'll write later :) 

I got to watch Kyler and Tracen this past weekend.  I have a new perspective of what it might be like to be a mom someday, and I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for that. 

Friday, I took Kyler to the Gull Lake football game.  I had been looking forward to doing that for a while. It was pretty weird being back there and only knowing a handful of people.  Growing up, football games used to the be the number one thing I looked forward to during the year.  Kyler was so cute.  The next day he kept asking me if I remembered going to the "football player game." I assured him that I had did not forget the game we went to yesterday.  

Saturday Tracen, Kyler and I went for walks, played games, learned, cleaned, watch movies, took naps etc. Sunday, I woke up early because I knew that it would take me a while to get my nephews myself ready for church.  It took me a lot longer than I had planned to get them ready so I was left with only 15 mins. to get ready.  I didn't even get a chance to run a brush through my hair after my shower so I went to church with this  just- got- back- from- the- beach-all-natural look. 

I think I'm getting spoiled with all this free time I have as a single person.  I totally give more credit to you Corie...and other moms out there who so generously sacrifice all their personal time to pour into your kids!